Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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