she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
