I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
