I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
