Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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