Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
