I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
