made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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