Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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