so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
