She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
