You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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