She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
