When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
