and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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