My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize