I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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