We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
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my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
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You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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