saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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