I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
