I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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