If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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