Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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