I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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