I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
