ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
