I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
