Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You don't make any sense
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