I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
