so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
