I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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