PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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