I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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