Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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