Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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