Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
