I'd wear matching sweaters with you
okay pat passed out under dana's car
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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