Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
