when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
