where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
