two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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