My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
