she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
