that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
