WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
