I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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