I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Randomize
