We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
