FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Will exercising make me less horny?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
