Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
