i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
this is an emotional support booty call
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