The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Found your dick twin last night
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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