I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
