I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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