my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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