But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
