Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
