Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
