We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
